November 23, My due date.
I attempted to push the approaching date out of my mind for no other reason than to not freak out prematurely. Falling apart, you see was inevitable. I scheduled the day off work to take time to let myself feel whatever I needed, to give myself room to reconcile what had happened. I scheduled a hair appt on the Friday before just to give myself something to feel good about.
Then Saturday some well-intentioned friends & I went out for a movie. Someone picked and within the first 5 minutes I was ready to leave. The opening scene is of a couple having sex while the baby climbs onto a ledge and falls out the window. After watching this womans grief for a few minutes I walked out. I was in tears the rest of the weekend. They didnt know what the movie was about and even if they had wouldnt have recognized sensitive subject matter. These fictitious movie scenes had been my real nightmares for months. Nights of a reoccurring dream of watching a woman trying to save her dying child over and over again. Knowing what was happening and powerless to stop it. Turns out,according to my friends, the woman in the movie saw the baby climbing up there and was to busy getting fucked to tend to her toddler.
I felt the heaviness Sunday evening, I darkened my bedroom, already refusing to see the sun and accept the coming day. I woke up Monday morning with covers drawn not knowing what to expect from my heart or head. It was no surprise that I felt numb and empty. And all at once felt the finality and i bawled til my eyes were puffy. I didnt want to leave the bed.
Deciding to honor Jordan rather than mourn, I gathered myself and headed to Micheal’s. I’d make something good out of all the hurt so, I got supplies to make Christmas ornaments. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the floor surrounded with glass bulbs, glitter, ribbon and flower petals. They were perfect. I was angry at having Christmas without my angel, now he would be a part of it. Jordan will always be a part of every holiday now.
Though it was my intention to post, I couldnt write this in November. I couldnt log on to the site. Something about the finality I wanted to avoid. Perhaps I thought Id better write when I felt ok. Its kinda never ok. Im learning to incorporate this pain in my life. Its not one I can escape, let go of or forget about. I dont think there is a release. Just a way you learn to live with what happened and without your baby. I accept that I cry a little easier and more over child related subjects. I learned that there is no saying goodbye. I cant deliver him but I carry him in my heart and long to hold him everyday.
Add comment December 19, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, lost motherhood, Mourning, pregnancy loss
Anger at God.
Add comment November 17, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: anger, grief, infant/perinatal loss, pregnancy loss
Still Angry & Hurt
I keep replaying the heartless crap J said to me last week. I cant believe he can feel that way let alone say it knowing how hard its been for me. “It was a blob, Ive been mourning a blob, it wasnt real, it wasn’t even a person.” It is a spit in the face to the pain, trauma and loss Ive endured. He cares nothing for the baby we made and lost. How can you feel that way about your child? How can you not even acknowledge it as a human? Now I hear his words in my head everyday. Now I look at him, remember what he said and I feel sick. So he’s faked his support all this time. He hugged me and wiped my tears and sent flowers all the while thinking, “I wish shed get over this #%@!” He didnt want a baby, I get that but the depth of his selfishness is unfathomable. Im crushed by it everyday. As if I weren’t angry enough at not having my baby with me. Im beyond angry with him, Im disgusted.
Add comment November 11, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: anger, grief, lost motherhood
Until it happens to you.
People say soooo many stupid, insensitive and hurtful things. Some folks are completely oblivious to the significance of the loss of a baby. I think its a sad commentary on society that a woman can be pregnant, not carrying that child to term, voluntarily or otherwise, and yet no one recognizes it as what it is: the death & lose a human being. I used to think the pro-lifers were crazy.
I never thought of a fetus not surviving as death or murder and admittedly wouldnt have known what to say to someone who’d lost a child. I had a friend years older than I who had 4 miscarriages. No one knew what to say and I recall some saying the stupid things we’ve now each heard. Then my favorite aunts first child was still born. I didnt understand how or why God did that but more, I had NO IDEA what she was going through. Her husband took lots of photos, her boss paid for the burial and her Mom flew in to help when she came home. Some people were sympathetic because he was an actually baby,a whole person but I admit I, like most, didnt get it then. I imagine to many, like my boyfriend, that it is like going from pregnant to unpregnant; it as if you just had your tonsils removed.
My boyfriend told me that years ago he and his then girlfriend had 2 abortions because they didnt want the embarrassment and he was just starting his career. Extremely selfish, he didnt grieve because to him it was just a blob and a blemish to his image. All my life I was pro-choice. I cant imagine how I couldve ever thought it was ok to kill a fetus because its not a person. The minute the nurse said, “youre pregnant!’ in the exuberant way nurses always do, that baby was a live real person to me. But I didnt know it until it happened. To me.
1 comment November 8, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, lost motherhood
Jordan’s Dads a Jackass.
While I understand that men grieve differently, that sick feeling that J is merely tolerating my crying is correct. Last night, on his way home from work he called and in a continuation of the previous conversation regarding my feelings he said to me, “Youre grieving a baby you never even held or saw, it wasnt even a baby, it didnt have arms & legs, a brain or a heartbeat. It wasnt a person, it was a blob!” I was 8 weeks pregnant. Keep in mind this man thought a baby at 4 months didnt have arms & legs either. ”You were gonna have a baby I didnt want and you didnt care how I felt about it you were gonna have my baby and youd be big and round right now, thats why youre so upset.” I spent 30 mins locked in the bathroom. I didnt scream or cry, I just sat there mortified at what he’d said.
He made it clear that he didnt want a child and wanted me to abort even when the doctor said I was threatening a miscarriage and put me on bed rest. So he spent the entire time angry and trying to get a crying, paining, cramping, bleeding, scared shitless, first time pregnant woman to kill this baby so it didnt mess up his career( or his reputation as a player, or his ability to party with the Frat, play golf when and wherever he wants and fly out-of-town for debauchery with the boys) He’s never understood because he didnt want to and as I suspected was only glad that I miscarried. His only current regret is that it has psychologically and emotionally hurt me(or so he says). But that cant be true since he said those horrific things to me last night. He said he just wants us to get past it. I will never get past his utter disregard of the significance of this. He thought I would hate him if I aborted or lost the baby.
Im leaning towards it now.
2 comments November 6, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, infant/perinatal loss, lost motherhood, pregnancy loss
Struggling
It isnt enough that I struggle emotionally everyday since losing Jordan now J’s lack of acknowledgment makes me feel even worse. Its like he merely tolerates my crying and his idea of support is “I sent flowers on the Oct15th.” Ive been telling him Im having a hard time cause its November and I have no belly, Jordan was due on the 23rd. I asked very calmly for more support in the next few weeks through the holidays even told him how to help,(since he says he doesnt know what to do)pick up dinner sometimes, lets take a drive do a Michigan Fall colors thing, cider mill and donuts, rub my back, help me finish things we want to do around the house so I can de-stress etc.. I didnt think these were unreasonable. He starts his usual “im so busy at work” crap. I have a staff of 200 blah,blah, blah! But he has times for the Frat on the weekends. Last night I blew up and told him I dont think he values or respects me at all, he has no regard for what Im dealing with. He bought a memorial necklace for me with the baby’s info on it which I love but spending money doesnt absolve him of duty.
He’ll throw money at something but not be present when I need him. Losing the baby made me depend on him more but I also felt that we’d never survive this loss thats essentially MY loss cause hes completely detached. Im angrier with him everyday, its not his fault but I am. And everyday I look at him I think of what Jordan would look like, certain that our son would’ve had his smile.
2 comments November 5, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, Miscarriage, pregnancy loss
Losing my baby and my mind.
A young woman on my infant loss board asked if anyone ever felt suicidal, crazy or sought therapy after loss. She talked of her despair and depression. This was my response:
When I lost the baby I went home, got into bed, turned off the phone and cried. For days. I’d never been in such darkness. I have no other kids and that was my first pregnancy, I couldnt think of getting pregnant again. As I lay there crying the finality of it all began to sink in, I would never hold that baby, know what he looked like, see him smile. I felt like I didnt know if I could stay in the world if that baby wasnt here. I found myself saying that through the tears. I wanna be with my baby, I have to be. How are you a mommy without a baby. I started to think I was going crazy, insane. But all I could think of to stop that ache was being wherever my baby was.
I struggled with that for a while. I still feel that gnawing sick feeling that I should drive my car into something or whatever I could to get to see my baby. But I realized that dying would not honor my baby, that I would better serve the life that never got to come here by staying here and helping another mommy with no baby.
I did seek professional help from my shrink who minimized my loss saying “It was so early why is this upsetting you so?”and “you’ve been saying you need a raise.” Yes, a raise was supposed to be justification of some kind. When only weeks earlier she’d encouraged me to, focus on the baby and taking care of myself and not worry so much. I hated her and havent been back since. Why is it that people think because its “only 8 weeks” you should treat it as if it were a cold; you had it, its gone, get over it. My point is the shrink didnt help me but told me to let it go and focus on something else like grad school. I came to the conclusion on my own to keep living but I still think of holding my angel.
My question is does anyone else have nightmares? It happened often the first month after the loss, not so frequent now but the other day that reoccurring helpless dream where the child is dying and the Mom cant save her not to mention other violent,bloody baby dreams sometimes I wake up crying. That feeling of losing him and wanting him back so badly always surfaces in my sleep. Is it just me?
Add comment October 29, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, lost motherhood, Miscarriage, Mourning
October 15th
Today began with an obnoxious call from J. We’d already talked about this day, the walk and the many groups hosting candle lightings and still we argue and he yells, “why is this day so important to you?” Needless to say that conversation ended with four letter words and a hang-up. How can he still not understand? He always says he does but every so often behaves like a jackass. A few hours later he sent 2 dozen roses.
I wasnt sure what I would do today. A friend wanted to light a candle with me but it was something I wanted to do alone the first time. I didnt know if it would be awkward or how to feel. So in the living room I had my throw, the flowers he sent, a cup of tea and my candles. I read a few poems that I liked and I quietly lit, read and cried. J walked in at 7:04.
I thought of Jordan in heaven and all the other angels and the mommies I met who Im sure were having their own lightings. I know we were all thinking of one another. Judy said our babies are playing together. One dad on the board says “God is just keeping the kids for us for a little while.” It sounds sweet that way, thinking of God as a baby sitter and that the kids are playing and waiting for their parents to come. I guess we tell ourselves whatever we have to get through.
Later, the friend who wanted to light a candle with me calls and asks if its too late. He and his ex-wife lost a baby and I guess he needed to remember so he lit a candle and to my surprise prayed for me and thanked God for my angel. It was very thoughtful and the kindest thing anyone has done for me in regard to the loss of Jordan. NO ONE has prayed for me since I lost him.
With the hard part of the day behind me I turned in remembering our angels and praying for everyones strength. I pray that God fills the holes left by our losing babies though I dont think anything can.
Add comment October 28, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, Miscarriage, October15th, pregnancy loss
Shooting craps on a Roller Coaster
Add comment October 25, 2009
jordansroom
Tags: grief, infant/perinatal loss, Miscarriage, Mourning, pregnancy loss
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