I keep replaying the heartless crap J said to me last week. I cant believe he can feel that way let alone say it knowing how hard its been for me. “It was a blob, Ive been mourning a blob, it wasnt real, it wasn’t even a person.” It is a spit in the face to the pain, trauma and loss Ive endured. He cares nothing for the baby we made and lost. How can you feel that way about your child? How can you not even acknowledge it as a human? Now I hear his words in my head everyday. Now I look at him, remember what he said and I feel sick. So he’s faked his support all this time. He hugged me and wiped my tears and sent flowers all the while thinking, “I wish shed get over this #%@!” He didnt want a baby, I get that but the depth of his selfishness is unfathomable. Im crushed by it everyday. As if I weren’t angry enough at not having my baby with me. Im beyond angry with him, Im disgusted.

People say soooo many stupid, insensitive and hurtful things.  Some folks are completely oblivious to the significance of the loss of a baby. I think its a sad commentary on society that a woman can be pregnant, not carrying that child to term, voluntarily or otherwise, and yet no one recognizes it as what it is: the death & lose a human being.  I used to think the pro-lifers were crazy.

I never thought of a fetus not surviving as death or murder and admittedly wouldnt have known what to say to someone who’d lost a child. I had a friend years older than I who had 4 miscarriages.  No one knew what to say and I recall some saying the stupid things we’ve now each heard. Then my favorite aunts first child was still born. I didnt understand how or why God did that but more, I had NO IDEA what she was going through. Her husband took lots of photos, her boss paid for the burial and her Mom flew in to help when she came home. Some people were sympathetic because he was an actually baby,a whole person but I admit I, like most, didnt get it then. I imagine to many, like my boyfriend, that it is like going from pregnant to unpregnant; it as if you just had your tonsils removed.

My boyfriend told me that years ago he and his then girlfriend had 2 abortions because they didnt want the embarrassment and he was just starting his career. Extremely selfish, he didnt grieve because to him it was just a blob and a blemish to his image. All my life I was pro-choice. I cant imagine how I couldve ever thought it was ok to kill a fetus because its not a person. The minute the nurse said, “youre pregnant!’ in the exuberant way nurses always do, that baby was a live real person to me. But I didnt know it until it happened. To me.

While I understand that men grieve differently, that sick feeling that J is merely tolerating my crying is correct.  Last night, on his way home from work he called and in a continuation of the previous conversation regarding my feelings he said to me, “Youre grieving a baby you never even held or saw, it wasnt even a baby, it didnt have arms & legs, a brain or a heartbeat. It wasnt a person, it was a blob!”  I was 8 weeks pregnant.   Keep in mind this man thought a baby at 4 months didnt have arms & legs  either.  ”You were gonna have a baby I didnt want and you didnt care how I felt about it you were gonna have my baby and youd be big and round right now, thats why youre so upset.”   I spent 30 mins locked in the bathroom.  I didnt scream or cry, I just sat there mortified at what he’d said. 
He made it clear that he didnt want a child and wanted me to abort even when the doctor said I was threatening a miscarriage and put me on bed rest.  So he spent the entire time angry and trying to get a crying, paining, cramping, bleeding, scared shitless, first time pregnant woman to kill this baby so it didnt mess up his career( or his reputation as a player, or his ability to party with the Frat, play golf when and wherever he wants and fly out-of-town for debauchery with the boys)  He’s never understood because he didnt want to and as I suspected was only glad that I miscarried. His only current regret is that it has psychologically and emotionally hurt me(or so he says). But that cant be true since he said those horrific things to me last night.   He said he just wants us to get past it.  I will never get past his utter disregard of the significance of this.  He thought I would hate him if I aborted or lost the baby. 

Im leaning towards it now.

I cried for what seemed like everyday for three months.  Now I cry an average of once per week.  Unless I see sonograms or some other reminder.  A friend often posts pics of her little girl after each doctor visit. Baby and mom are fine she says.  Im happy for her and crumbling at the sight of this little person who healthy and safe and still there growing and greatly anticipated. She and Jordan would be about the same now, I can tell and it always strikes that cord in me.  The feeling I wish I could escape. The feeling I wish I didnt know existed.  The ache in my arms and heart that will never go away. 

I just watched a video created by a woman who lost a baby and started an organization for infant loss.  Of course it brought me to tears.  I knew it would but I watched anyway.  Im going to cry and its going to hurt no matter what. He asked why I do this to myself. Why I talk to other women and belong to these miscarriage groups, why I talk to friends who insist on rubbing their pregnancies in my face.  He doesnt understand. One should be happy when expecting a child and show off every detail. It isnt their fault our baby didnt live. He doesnt understand that those groups help me not feel so alone in this. The groups help because I cry without them but its better to cry with them.  Its better for me to share the pain. Pain shared is pain halved.

I find even now that my desire to be around friends is low.  I dont want to talk to these people.  They werent there for me then, they didnt understand, most said really hurtful things and I dont feel like talking to them.  And now they dont understand why Ive been isolated.  I needed time to heal and work through difficult feelings.  They didnt understand when I told them as much.

They dont understand that this will always be with me. He will always be with me, how can people not understand that.  Im much better and think Im grieving in a healthy way but the idea that I’ll forget about the child I lost and go on as if it never happened is obsurd.  One friend confessed that seeing my grief brought back her pain and guilt of 2 abortions almost 20 years ago.  She talked about deep regret and that my pain over losing a baby involuntarily was so hard because she’d chosen to abort for what weren’t good reasons in hindsight.  In fact I reminded her because it was painful and traumatic and she buried it all. 

I let everything out.  Now my relationships are strained because they couldnt handle my letting it out and I wouldnt keep it in.  I feel so disconnected.  What happened to people being there when things are bad and still being there when its all over.